Hi ‘dad’, we hope you are doing well.

This letter serves not to cause trouble but to simply express how we feel and how our lives have been without your presence. When you left us, it could have been before or after birth, at the age of three or at some point in our teenage years. Regardless, every one of us has dealt with your absence in various ways. In ways that are surprisingly good for some and for others not so good.

Some of us have not been the same since the day you left or the day we became conscious of your absence. We feel as if something within us is missing. There is emptiness inside of us where we believe may be the place you resided. Ever since, we have been trying different ways to fill the void, but nothing seems to fit the shape of the hole you left. We often resorted to self-blame. Our thought was “no one loves me” and “no one cares”. A part of us is not only broken because of your absence but because in such absence you found it within you to father other children when you knew we needed fathering too. Congratulations, we wish you the best, but it leads us to ask this question, “was it hard to leave us?”.

Others of us become numb. Numb to feelings, emotions, and life. It is our way of pretending that everything is good to avoid questions like “where is your dad?”, “Why don’t you ever talk about your dad?” or to simply fit in with everyone else who has a dad.  Pretense becomes our defense mechanism. We also wonder if we were created so different and were, made to live a life that remind us every day that we were not chosen– we were not needed. Oh, how we often became so angry with the wrong people. We become angry with those who tried to offer a helping hand simply because we felt that if we showed our weakness, it would be the proof as to why you left.  We put up this wall fearing that if we let them in, they would leave just like you did.

On the other hand, some of us are doing quite well. We have been making our impact in society in myriad ways. We do excel in school collecting many awards and positively impacting our peers. We are a part of sports teams; we do art and engage in different science projects. Many of us are so successful that we have made an impact nationally and internationally in an effort to keeping ourselves occupied for the greater good. Oh how we wish you could see us.

Our minds sometimes travel to different boulevards in our brains and wonder what talents did you have. What habits and traits did we get from you? What is it about us that is the splitting image of you? What is the obvious confirmation that we are your children? Oh, we often wonder.

Many of us experienced transformation by the invisible care, help and guidance of friends and strangers. These individuals came along and exposed the deep pain inside of us and taught us how to accept such pain as well as to channel it into success. We have learnt not to choose to hate you because, it will only damage us. We learnt to stop blaming ourselves for your negligent actions. We still do not and may ever understand why you left us but, at least we are learning and have learnt to live with it.

It is our priority not to follow in your negative footsteps.  We intend to be a better father to our children.  We want to be role models for them and share our story with society to effect as much change as possible.

Love,

Your searching sons